The Bond Between Pastor's Kids

When I was little I wanted to marry a pastor’s kid.  I couldn't have been more than seven years old at the time. At age 24, I emphatically reject all proposals made by pastor’s to marry their sons for obvious reasons, namely their fathers are the ones making the suggestions. But I think the reason that I had that notion as a child, was that I felt this special bond with other kids who were growing up in the front pew or rather on the first row of "church chairs."  (I think that my little brother used to actually sleep better on the floor under a row of cushioned metal chairs with the worship team playing loud drums and all better than he could sleep at home.)

Basically I am starting this blog for a few reasons, I want a place to process my experiences and that of my peers who grew up as pastor’s kids. I want to talk about it, we grew up in a strange environment and no one can really understand where who we are unless they understand what it was like to be a pastor's kid. 

I'd love to talk to the current pastors kid’s, the ones who are still being nagged to read their bibles and dress decently on Sunday mornings. I'd like to hear them, empathize with you and encourage you. So many teenagers live in minister’s families in the midst of a tug of war between their experiences with Jesus and his faithfulness which they know to be real and their experiences with Christians and the hypocrites which they cannot come to grips with or justify.  I know they are in that place because I still feel the simultaneous warmth and pain, and therefore confusion when I think about church.

Currently I am in seminary I know I must be insane to know what it is like to be a full time minister and actually want to do it, but what can I say? I am a little crazy, it's in my blood. Someday me and my seminary friends are going to be pastors, and we are going to have pastor's kids ourselves. So what can we do to be great parents to p.k.'s? What did your parents really screw up on, and what did they really get right? What would you do differently? This is not a parent bashing place, but I do want the truth. If your life totally sucked, tell me about it. If you want nothing to do with the church, tell us why. If you need to remain anonymous we'll understand, but be honest.

-From the desk of Amy

Comments

[Adam]

Welcome to the world of blogging Amy...hope you find some cool PKs out here in the blog-world...

[Josh]

Hey Sister!

I am excited about this blog, friend. We'll have to find a time to meet somewhere between Austin and Houston!

Peace
Josh

[Becca]

Yeah, sometimes I wonder... what the heck are we doing? We KNOW what we are getting ourselves into becoming pastors- we've witnessed it our whole lives long! And yet STILL, we follow that call. Yikes.
PS- I was not an "in the front pew" kind of PK. Since my dad was in the pulpit and my mom was in the choir, I normally sat near the back with my friend Jessica, whose dad was the associate pastor. We played a lot of MASH during church services. :)

[Mary]

Me madre sits about 4 pews back on the pulpit side... When I could escape this I too went to the back of the church, or, to escape futher, to the enclosed balcony and maybe opened a few windows....

[james]

P.K.'s are the silent but most ignored members of a church. They cry out for help inside, but they have no one to turn to. We've learned to be so indepedent and self-sufficient, but we know we are very fragile and are very much in need of intimacy and meaninful relationships. My teenage years are far gone, but a rebellious streak is still in me. My strong reaction against any authority fiture tells me I've got a long way to go to work out the issues of my childhood....

[Carol Caulkins]

Hi Amy,
Very interesting website. I am an older PK. My folks were in located ministry when I was small and then became the president (dad) and professor (mother) of a small, struggling, church-supported Bible College. Sometimes dad got paid when money came in, but most of the time, he made sure that others on the staff got paid first. There was a time when he went a full 18 months without a pay check. Mother had a second job to put food on the table. Dad traveled extensively to recruit students for the college and raise support from churches. So, I actually preferred to be a preachers kid to being a Bible College kid. When dad went to the college, I had to tow the line for all the supporting churches rather than just one.
It was a very legalistic time for us. I remember that one time I wanted to go to a Saturday afternoon matinee at the downtown movie theater. My parents debated for days over the the advisability of allowing me to see a movie. What if someone from one of the churches would see me standing in line at the movie house? Would they look to see that is was a children's matinee or would they just assume that it was a bad movie and stop supporting the college? Today it seems so inane.
I was mad at God for many years for "calling" my parents and dragging me along to the college ministry.
When my parents were trained, they were taught that God/church comes first and the family would get whatever was leftover and God would take care of things so that everything would work out in the end. I think that the training of pastors is probably healthier now. I hope so, anyway.
Well, as I said, I was angry for years but it wasn't "nice" or "Christian" to be angry so I turned it in on myself. No matter what I did, that anger bubbled out of my life. Finally one day, it hit me, (dawned on me, made sense to me) that my relationship problems couldn't always be because of the other person. I had relationship problems with almost everyone. The common factor in every problem was me. So, I went to professional couseling. It saved my life.
My Christian counselor pointed out that it is not sin to be angry. He had me read every scripture where men of God and even Christ himself became angry. The problem was that I had never admitted that I was angry because I didn't trust God to understand my anger and forgive me. It took 18 months of counseling before I finally felt like a whole person. It was the hardest 18 months of my life. I worked hard at it.
I'm telling you this to say that if there are other PK's out there who can't figure out why life just doesn't work for them, it's okay to get counseling. It doesn't mean you're crazy. It doesn't mean you're a failure. It doesn't mean you're bad. It's just smart to find the right professional to talk things out and get your life straightened out.
I really relish the success stories of PK's. I have known both. Some PK's become Christian giants and some are put on the shelf and become dropouts from the kingdom.
I hope that this website becomes the tool to help those who are stuggling to find who they are and where they fit in God's plan.
God is so good! I was 48 years old before I knew that God loved me just because I was me and not because of who or what my parents were. God has no grandchildren. I am so glad to be His very own child!

[Desiree Bruner]

Hi,
I am a pk. I am 18 and have just started college. My degree is going to be in psychology...why...because i am going to be a couselor for pastors kids. God has called me to go back to help the ones who are confused. I think it is a tremendously hard duty to be a pk. I know that it is a blessing, but get real some days you just want to scream...and wear do you go? I didnt have any friends that understood me or what i was going through. I went to a couselor, and athough he was a great guy, i didnt feel like he truely new what i was dealing with. I am also going to start camps and rec/ clubs just for pk's. Dont get me wrong I love my family and my father loved me and took care of me and protected me the best he could...but i hope to help the pk's who just need a friend who understands. Just remember...pks r ok. With love, Des

[Kylie]

Great blog. Can relate to it all so well. Does anyone know a christian counsellor who can relate to PK's?

[Emily]

I'm 18 and a freshman in college. I chose to go to a large public college because I desperately wanted to get away from being the pastor's kid that I would have been at the college my parents wanted me to go to. I think its great. Yes, I do go to a few parties and do things I shouldn't, but I think I need this time to figure out who I am.

If I make mistakes, than I should learn from them and move on. I still have so much frustration and anger with church and the people in it. I feel like when I am in church, my personality goes down to zero and I rarely smile. I hate having to act as if I am perfect, because I am far from it. Granted, I do love some of the people in my church and really appreciate what they have done for me. I feel that by taking a break from church and the whole religious world, I will for the first time have a objective view of what I want for my life.

[pastor tonya]

Hi

i am not a pastor's kid but i am married to one and his dad was a pastor and his mom is a pastor and get this i am a pastor! I think God has a sense of humor. My husband, Rod, went through a few yrs of rebellion in his late teens. He got into drugs, partying, drinking, alot of fights, bar scene, he became an atheist. He couldn't understand why God would allow his parents to be so poor in order to be in the ministry. HE was angry at God for years. Until one nite while doing drugs Satan tried to ruin his life big time. Rod has a black bekt in Judo and Satan used that to get him into fights. One nite hanging with a guy and doing drugs he told his friend that he'd better lock himself in his room bc he's going to kill him. Then his friend just laughed it off and said youre crazy man! Rod then jumped 6 feet in the air and started to choke him out! His friend was freaking out! Then he felt the hand of God on his chest LITERALLY and he struck him and Rod went flying over the couch and instantly he sobered up. The poor guy ran to his room and locked himself in. Rod then put his hand in his pocket and pulled out a track - like where did that come from. thenhe gave it to the guy and left. That night he broke into his church and called the youth leader. Who came to see what was up. Rod is like i want to be a christian but i don't know how! That night his leader lead him to the Lord and now he is living a life of service and loves God. He is in a Christian punk band called faceless warrior {www.facelesswarrior.com} To the guy who said you hate having to act perfect - thats what my husband struggled with and still does but i want you to know that not all christians are the same and we all don't think that way - God has a plan for your life and that is why he put you in that family you are in. DOn't let Satan use your bad experiences to derail you from the most awesome experiences you can have - a life where God actually becomes your friend.

Blessing
Tonya

[Emily]

Well, that story is good, and I am glad that your husband got away from drugs. But, I can't imagine being in a pastor's family as part of my plan, if I have a plan at all. I actually having been doing some serious thinking about Christainity in general, and I must say the jury is still out on that one.

[Steph]

Looks like that I'm in the same boat as you, Amy, because I also hope to be a pastor someday even though I know what it's like to 'suffer' through the ministry. :) I'm 17 and a freshman at Bible School. Growing up I swore that I'd never marry a pastor or become one my self. God definitely does have a sense of humour! The thing that got me the most as a PK was seeing how certain members of my church treated my dad. It was hard being attacked and watching my dad go through so much. God brought our family through it though (isn't He faithful), and I've learned so much from sitting on the front pew - which was by choice, by the way!

[Abi]

i'm a 13 year old pk and your right we most of the time are the rebellious ones who just want to get away from the church but most of the time i think that is why our paremts push the bible and modesty and thing so much cause they know how we will turn out if they don't. my brother(14 years) mmost of the time before and after the service sits in my dad's office playing on a my dad's laptop. most people in the youth group avoid the p.k.'s because they think we are all religous or strict on biblical things i think people need to remember that we are just normal kids with a different lifestyle. we aren't religous freaks or anything. i myself am a born again christian but my father's job little impact on that. (i love this site and hope some way i can get in touch with some other people my age who also struggle and cope with being a p.k.
In Christ,
Abi

[Charlie Lyon]

Maybe I'm not supposed to be reading this site...I'm a pastor! But I really appreciate the honesty of everyone who's written about their experiences in a pastor's home. I thought it might be helpful to hear from "our" side (-: I remember as a young father (quite a few years ago) listening to someone try to persuade a group of us parents to homeschool. I asked the question that night "what if we find out 18 years from now, that we made a terrible decision and it really messes up our kid's lives?" If every parent--especially those in ministry--hasn't wrestled with that question they are pod people, so you've got more to worry about than whether church folks like you or not! The point, of course, is that life is a faith journey, none of us can predict with accuracy what will happen or how our decisions will effect our lives. But the reason we give our lives, our hearts, our hurts, our hopes, our loyalty, our friendship to Jesus, is we trust Him to defend us, care for us, prod us, help us, direct us, provide for us, lead us, correct us, shape us...make us better. Probably the biggest insight to impact my parenting was from a dead guy: William Wilberforce, the 19th century English leader and abolitionist. "Above all, Wilberforce liked to watch their progress in religion, 'the grand concern of life.' He desired from the bottom of his heart that they should not wait, as he had, until their mid-twenties before discovering the wonder of Christ's friendship. He did not expect or even welcome any sudden conversion but looked for signs of what he called 'the great change,' as each (child) began to allow Christ to work on his character." (from John Pollack's biography of Wilberforce.) When I first read that I was real convicted and had to ask myself if my kids saw in me the friendship of Christ or a hard dictator; more interested in what other people thought about my kids or what Jesus thought of them? I'm learning to be a better friend to Jesus so that my kids, first and foremost, see his friendship, love and devotion to them through me!

[sarah]

The firs church I remermber expected perfection from us, even though there were very few other kids regularly attending. SO, from 3-13 I was "perfect." We moved to a bigger church where my dad was no longer the preaching pastor, and no one seemed to care who I was or what I did. It should have been freeing, I found it unraveling. I had spun my spool perfectly & now there was no need for it. Oh, and the other kids were all about popularity/dating/partying. Not my thing. Alone again.
Went to a Christian COllege in hopes of finding christians like me. There were a few. Support was finally availaable.
The more a Pastor thinks of himself first as a dad the more "normal" his kids. Hard to reconcile w/ God first above all else.
Ever feel like you were Job's family. But you know your dad is Job?

[Corrin]

I'm 15, and I don't know if I qualify as a full on 'PASTOR'S KID' because my dad is [only] the youth pastor, so I guess I would be considered a 'YPK', but why go there, right? AND I guess my sister and I aren't quite as closely watched as I'm sure senior pastor's kids are, huh? I'm sure some of you out there know...Anyway, the whole bond thing exists in PKs I firmly believe in. We are few and far between, use PKs, and we understand each other so so well. You know all those programs that exist for teenagers and kids these days? There should be some for PKs. We need people to talk to about the struggles, the issues, without 'em, you get these kids who rebel, hate God, hate church, hate their parents. I guess a big part of it has to do with actual pastor's paying more attention to OTHER people's familial crisis that they are never home enough to recognize the problems in their own homes. Sure, nobody's perfect, but even the Bible states that you should makes sure your own family is in order before you go on to help other people's. Anyway blah blah blah, this is a great site, and I think there should be more of them. It's tough stuff we have to deal with. At our house, we joke around sometimes as say that 75% of our dinner conversations we can't talk about anywhere else. It can be a load and a burden, but I think all of us are in it for a reason. Sure, we didn't ask to be in the places we're in. We didn't come into this world 'requesting' that we grow up with a million pairs of eyes watching us, calculating our every moves, but the Bible tells us that God isn't gonna give us a situation He knows we can't deal with or handle. And He MADE us, I think its safe to say He knows us the best, wouldn't you? As pastor's kids, we have this weird I feel obligation to utilize all the knowledge we've gained (whether we've wanted to or not) over the years as pastor's kids and use it to BETTER THE WORLD. Its some pretty messed up times we're living in right now, and we have got to be the salt and light in this world. The workers are few, and we've gotta make up for it. So fellow PK's, roll up your sleeves and get out there! Bless the socks off of people, and make a difference for the Kingdom! Power to the P.K.'s!!!

[Nathan]

I really do think that it is imporptant for pk's to be able to find a place where they can share their stories and turn to others for support. I had a really great experience growing up as a pk, my dad was pretty much there for us. He made sure to that we knew we were his first priority. I know there are a lot of scary stories out there though. We all need to stick together because there are not many who do understand the pressures that you live with. Not always even pressure put on by other people, but many times by yourself.
I now am a pastor myself, am married and have produced my own little pk. My dad is now my boss which is weird and fun. What I have is a great heritage that I plan to pass on. We have to take the good and the bad and find out what we are meant to do with it.

[Eliza]

Hi. Actually, my mom is a recently ordained nun in the buddhist tradition. I bet some of our experiences are similar, tho.

[Rachel]

Heyy,

I am a PK, I am middle child in my family.
You are right, It is VERY hard to be a PK, I have felt like my parents are not home enough because there always busy with Church stuff,I have felt like they are abanoning us, I was born into a Chrisitian home so Obviously i came to the lord young, I was 4, I feel like i cant talk to anyone about how im feeling because only other PKs would be able to really understand how im feeling

[lauren]

this site has been a breathe of fresh air for me. Iv been a pk for 16 years, and its been anything but easy. I mean, it is kinda sweet that your allowed to eat the sunday school snacks, and its nice at christmas when the cards or appreciation come flooding in, but all of us pks know that we live in fishbowls. it feels like everything you do is taken under a microscope and scrutinized. i one accidentally let a f-bomb slip at a church function and litteraly everyone there stopped to glare at me. somehow i got myself out of that one, but ill never forget the looks on thier faces. i almost had to laugh! if only they knew half of the things iv done! there have been times when yes, dads been too busy for his family, but i realized long ago that serving is what hes been called to do, and our family had to make some sacrifices for that to happen. It hurt that he couldnt make our provincial game because he had a meeting, and its always been boring spending a large chunk of my time around adults. but i cant say i regret it all. not even close.

[Marla Godette]

I have been a PK for 25 years. I hated it growing up because I was forced to teach kids bible school and baby sit kids that my mom would bring home. I had to miss volleyball because I had to go to church and other things of that nature. I just wanted to go to church like everyone else.

It's worse now because I am still with her ministry because I do not want her to have to work all alone. We attend a church with a needy population and there just aren't enough spiritually strong members to hold leadership roles. So I hold several positions in the churh my sisters and my husband too) even though we don't want to. How do yu sepearate the two? I don't want to abondon my mom, but I definitely want a new pastor and church home. The struggle is just too much for me. I've considered moving out of state just to get away from it without reproach. HELP!!

Marla

[Elizabeth]

I'm a PK. Any thoughts on reacting to death differently than your friends?

My entire life, my sister and I were SO exposed to death SO often (dad was an associate paster at a very large church with lots of elderly people. I think one day he led 3 funerals) that we just don't talk about death the same way as others. I don't think it's a Christian thing (knowing that death is not really the end) it's different than other church members. We react to death like this, 1: how'd they die 2: who'd they leave behind 3: what's happening to the remains, 4: what kind of funeral will it be.

Of course, when someone dies we're very sympathetic etc. but we almost react (in our heads) like a funeral home manager. Sometimes it's awkward with others when our first reactions slip out because we seem quite cold because we're so literal about it. Does that make sense? It's probably our number 1 problem.

Also - I've had the call as well but I've made sure to very angrily tell God, "Dude. Not cool" Doesn't seem to go away though, we'll see where that goes!

Thanks for the blog,

Methodist

[Kirsty]

I think the hardest thing for me has been being in the middle of any problem that occurs in the church.
Knowing more than I should but not being able to tell anyone, protect anyone from situations.
Also, watching people try and manipulate my Dad, everyone thinking they know what else he could do to make things better, how things could change.
Pastors work 24/7, phone always ringing, dropping everything to help, but people still think that that one person could do more, could do a better job, could give up more of their life.
My Dad is amazing.

[Calvin]

hey, i think this is a great idea, probably one of the better things we can do with the internet.

I am a PK in my mid-20s and can totally relate to all that people mentioned. I am still going to my dad's church and sigh~, the same thing just keep on happening, it's like a bad cycle. Backstabbing, two-faced people, even other pastors. I been through a few of these but it still hurt a lot. Every time just a big blow and there's nothing I can do about it. I think there definitely need to be some camp, counseling for pastors, pastor's wives and PKs. The world is quite cruel to us. Satan is strong and doing his work.

Yet, from the experience, it really shows how much the world needs God. Why there need to be justice and goodness. it seems like a losing battle, but we have to fight. It is a battle. And I think we get to know all the inside stuff, the cruelty and etc. Best Wishes. All the best.

[Calvin]

hey, i think this is a great idea, probably one of the better things we can do with the internet.

I am a PK in my mid-20s and can totally relate to all that people mentioned. I am still going to my dad's church and sigh~, the same thing just keep on happening, it's like a bad cycle. Backstabbing, two-faced people, even other pastors. I been through a few of these but it still hurt a lot. Every time just a big blow and there's nothing I can do about it. I think there definitely need to be some camp, counseling for pastors, pastor's wives and PKs. The world is quite cruel to us. Satan is strong and doing his work.

Yet, from the experience, it really shows how much the world needs God. Why there need to be justice and goodness. it seems like a losing battle, but we have to fight. It is a battle. And I think we get to know all the inside stuff, the cruelty and etc. Best Wishes. All the best.