Duty before Family?

When we think of Pastor's kids I generally think of children squeaky clean being forced to sit on the front row or rebel kids like Becca and Mary (see comments on "The bond between pastor's kids") who sat in the back and passed notes, but in any case we think of children or our childhood.

But yesterday morning I was having breakfast with two wonderful older couples, one in their 60s and the other late middle-aged. Both of the men are denominational heads. One of Vineyard USA and the other is one of the seven district leaders of the Assemblies of God in the U.S. I live with Bert and Evelyn Waggoner, the Vineyard leader, and the other couple are old friends of theirs, so we were just having a casual breakfast. Somehow we started talking about New York City, and David (AG) said "My first memory of New York City was going on family vacation...but then a lady in the church got sick and we had to go home. I remember thinking as a child, so duty comes before family." We were silent. Bert, David, and I all grew up as pastor's kids.

Let's get a conversation started about this, what do you think is right? But more importantly what has been your experience, for your mom and/or Dad did the  church come first or did your family? How did you feel about it? How do you feel about it now?

Comments

[Mary]

I remember times when I would say, "Dad's never home" and mom would say, "I know"...but if you asked me what it was that made me think that he was never home, I couldn't really answer. Since I'm not living at home any longer it doesn't affect me as it used to, so I guess I've forgotten. I know that my dad has always been willing to help people, and, for the most part, I think if I knew the reason why he had to suddenly run off and felt like he wasn't just abandoning his familiy I was ok with it.

[Luke]

I think family needs to come first. If you read 1 Timothy 3, you see that pastors are supposed to have their families in order, and I think one aspect of that is making the family a priority in your life.

It's in my dad's nature to work a lot. He has made it a priority to work near home or live near work so that he can still be near his family even when he's working. That doesn't always help, but at least he was more accessible if we needed him.

That said, he took time off when he could use it to spend more time with the family. He came out to my college graduation on a Sunday, leaving someone else to speak at the church. We still took family vacations, and we never had to cut them short for anything.

Pastoring is hard work, and you have to make sacrifices with where you spend your time. I think not being around home can be acceptable as long as making regular quality time with the family happen is a priority.

[Stephen]

I had a conversation yesterday with very non-Christian co-worker who is dating, in his terms, a "religious" girl, meaning that she and her family consider themselves Christians. The co-worker asked me to put the following into the order of importance that they come in my life: Church, family and God. Being in the Vineyard, which of course is all about community, I told him that God and Church go together (as does family); you experience God through the community that you are in. He didn't really like that answer and said that I had to put them each in separately, so I said God, then family, then church.

As it turns out, the reason he asked is because he and his girlfriend feel that her parents put church way before their family. To the co-worker, this was a really big turnoff.

So, his question is an important one: what order are your priorities in? I think that this is a question that all people need to ask, not just pastors. Who comes first in your life, and how can you make sure that who you say comes first actually does come first?

As for my experiences as a PK, they're a mixed bag. My dad always came toimportant events in my life, and he tries to spend free time with his kids. At one point, he would take each of us out individually on a special outing wherever we wanted to go. Having five kids, that meant that once every five weeks (in theory), we would get to spend one-on-one time with Daddy. Of course, as with most good things, life got in the way of this fairly frequently.

Here's where I'm going to end: Life is busy for all people, and so I don't know if in this sense pastor's kids have it much different from lawyer's kids or CEO kids or working mom kids. The difference comes in the spotlight that automatically shines on pastor's kids.

[Amy]

Yes, I am commenting on my own blog. My experience really resonates what Stephen was saying about God/Church/Family all being intertwined. My dad mostly started and pastored small churches and as a family we were very involved. It wasn't like we just had to spend hours and hours at the church building, church often came to us in the forms of homegroups, meetings, or the passerby staying for dinner. I remember when my Dad told us he was starting the Marietta Vineyard. We were driving home from church at the ATL Vineyard where he was the associate pastor and he looked at David (my brother) and I in the rear-view mirror and said "so the four of us are the first four memebers." I was only 11 or 12 when we started that church but I feel like I played a very vital role in it.
I know that my experience isn't the majority experience, but I liked being involved.
Plus I think my dad did a good job of making us a priority. Yes life was crazy and we had people in crisis calling us at all hours of the day or night, but Monday was always "Monday Funday" or "Dad's day on." We didn't have much money growing up but we tried to always do things together like go on a walk or play games or go swimming. Also my Dad almost always came home from the office between 5 and 6PM and we would eat dinner together. Mind you, there was usually some kind of church thing going on at 7:30PM-10 but at least we ate together.
The challenge for me is going to be that not only do I want to be a pastor, I want to be a married mom (at some point). My dad did as much as he could to spend time with us, but he had to work (over) full-time and my mom usually only worked part-time and took care of us (including my Dad). It will be different to be the mom and be the pastor too. God help us!

[Rob]

I'm not a pk and do not have children...yet. But I am a pastor and will toss my 2cents in. I think it is sort of strange to read the bible and look at the great leaders called by God and there isn't much mention of their kids or family except when things go badly.

To the issue of priorities - I don't really like the way we talk about prioritizing our relationships (God, family, church). It doesn't make sense because it doesn't really tell us how to live our lives. We dont' spend the most time with God but yet he is our first priority? Jesus simply said, "Love God and love people." Part of loving people is loving family. I have every intention of creating an environment in my home where my child will never doubt that they are important and their voice is always heard. Fortunately I am part of a church and pastoral staff that understands the importance of family relationships. My wife will also make sure that I don't lean into work heavily at the expense of the family.

Good insight and words from everyone.

[Person in need]

I my self, am a spanish PK. Let me tell you, it is not easy. I was raised christian, and have lerned to loved the Lord alot. But my perents went through alot of trials and that started to afect me alot. Every body thinks my life is perfect and its not. I mean, I thank God because I have great parants,a nice home, and most important a relationship with the lord, but my life is not easy. I dont know what to say. Its like I try to fight but I keep on gettin weeker and tierd. I may be onlly 14 but I want to do Gods will so badlly. I feel as it is Gods time for me to stand up and do his will, but I dont know how and am confused on what he wants me to do. All I ask is for who ever is reding this to please have mercy and pray for me. Ask God to give me knoledge and gide me throug. Ask him to help me do his will and give me an unforgetable experience like in the pentecostals.
from
Person in need

[Mike]

Hi Amy,

I wanted to say that we all miss you here at the SL Vineyard. It is not the same without you. I have warmed up your office, so stop by sometime for a chat.

I wanted to respond to your post about Taking Care of Your Own Damn Family.

As a missionary parent, this was always a struggle. In fact, after interviewing with dozens of mission organizations, we choose one that did not demand that we send our kids off to boarding school. This was in the late 80's but most of them required we send off our kids to free both parents for service. The president of our Bible College even said in chapel that he could not believe the lack of committment modern missionaries have in being so preoccupied with their kids rather than ministry. So there was definately a "culture" for that type of thing. We took our stand and found an organization that allowed our kids to stay with us on the field.

With a month left of language school, the field we were assigned to became dangerous, so our field director drove about 15 hours to ask us to consider sending our kids to a boarding school in another country. We politely declined and they sent us to another field.

Once on the field, I admit that ministry did take us away from our kids. For that we have no excuse! To keep this short, we awakened to that fact when we placed our daughter on a plane to send her off to college. It was "only then" I realized what I had done. I did try to limit my activities that summer before she left, but the mission I was working with basically demanded I run summer ministry teams from the states. When I declined they told me I had no choice. So after I put my daughter on that plane, we decided we would not do that again. The next year we decided to leave for furlough so our son could attend his senior year of HS in the states. We wanted him to learn to drive, get a job and learn how to survive in the states on his own. (This was after we heard a lecture by Dave Pollock on Third Culture Kids).

We returned to the field with only our youngest child. After about 6 months, our daughter had a major crisis. I sent Susie home to minister to her, but she returned after a month. During the next year and a half, we sent her to counseling and tied to help her long distance. It finally came to a point of major crisis and we decided to return home for her.

After doing this, we lost 50% of our support within a month. One church waited 6 months to tell us then sent us a fotocopied letter explaining their decision. They felt it was noble for us to return to help our daughter, but could not support us because of it. They felt they could only support missionaries on the field.

Therein lies the problem, at least for missionaries. While many times it is never said, it is certainly felt. There is a pressure to produce, produce, produce. If you do not, you might be dropped like a bad stock. Sometimes we place that burden on ourselves, but most of the time it is expected of us. Over the last 5 years, I have heard one shocking story after another of this same type of situation. So at least for missionaries, much of this pressure pushes us to neglect our children. I believe it is one reason many missionaries are leaving the field burnt out. They never feel the freedom to tell others about their struggles for fear of loosing their support. Then when they crash and burn, the church wonders what is wrong with them.

So should a parent neglect their kids for the sake of ministry? I would say emphatically no. There needs to be a healthy balance between ministry and family. We as parents, need to take our stand for what we believe God would have us do in this area. If the church or mission we work with does not agree, we need to move on to where we have that freedom.

If I was still on the field, I would return to help my children in a heartbeat if need be. I went through a lot of bitterness and felf a lot of guilt because of it. But the Lord has made me a better person for having gone through it. I trust and pray He did the same for my children.

Mike

[Josh Henderson]

I didn't get a chance to read all the comments, but I would say that a pastor has an equal obligation to the church as also to his/her family. My dad(a pastor) has been great in deciding what is more important, a church situation, or a family matter.

Let's face it, there are some thing mom can take care of for dad to go and do a pastors visit (or dad can take care of while mom makes a pastor's visit). And there are some things an Assistant Pastor or a Deacon can take care of as opposed to the pastor. It all rests on the disernment of the Pastor.

Both the church and the family are important. You have a failing family, you can't manage a church. And if you have a failing church, you better be sure your family will suffer as much as you. They are both equal in importance.

[Claire]

O my goodness i'm actually hating everything to do with being a PK right now. It just seems that my parents make me jump through so many flippin hoops all the time and whats the deal with not being able to go to other churches?! and i'm so tired of all the comments and crticisms that people make about PKs ugh!! just wish my parents were 'normal' i feel like a freak show! anyway thats my ranting done!

[Ross]

I am a pk, a gpk and an mpk who has also been a pastor. Am I doomed. I am really interested in running a camp or conference for PKs, we do have a special link.

[Xuber]

Ohhhhhh, a camp for PK's would be cool. I go to an online school with tons of MK's, and I often wonder what it would be like to be able to meet other PK's and bond like MK's are always talking about doing at their missions conferences/gathers they do in certain parts of the world for the M's in those parts of the world.

Go for it. ^_^

[Hannah]

hi. I'm a PK ..and found your blog through google :)
I honestly have to say that I've witnessed my parents going through some horrible times due to Church politics.. and as a pastor's kid.. it was just heart breaking. I love my parents and believe that we are blessed .. but seeing your own father being taunted by socially messed up people who have nothing else to do but backstab really does make you angry towards the whole church system. I still see my dad as a big bear .. but deep down I know that he's a man with mixed bag of emotions... I am aware that he feels emotionally inadequate and it does hurt his pride when he can't provide his own family with materialistic things.. we've struggled with rent and food but somehow God provided us with everything during the hard times. Kinda sounds weird but it was like a miracle when it came to perfect timing. My parents don't verbally communicate or ask how we feel.. it's an asian thing.. but they know what we are going through. Anyway.. I've moved away from home and visit them on a regular basis.. . my parents think I'm running away from home and the church but that's not the case.

As a PK.. I didn't quite pick the route of joining the Bible college.. I work in the advertising/media industry .. every time I go to my local church I feel as if I'm the bad apple and that I'm not good enough... weird huh...