Being a Pastor's Kid: Life from the Front Pew

Missionary Kids

Most recently I became not only a pastor's kid but also an M.K. My mom quit her job and my dad passed on his church and they moved to Delhi, India to plant a church. Now they are both pastors and missionaries,but primarily they are students of Hindi (the language spoken in that part of the country. Lately I have been talking to many people who grew up on the mission field and I think it would be interesting to hear from them too. Here is a letter from a lady that I work with at the Sugar Land Vineyard who raised her children in South America on the mission field.

Hi Amy,

This is a great website! My kids were Mks (missionary kids), much like pastors kids, with the same “life Under a Microscope” experience. Everyone expects Mks to be perfect, and they often react to this expectation with low self-worth, resentment, or even extreme rebellion. They can see the hypocrisy so clearly in “Christian leaders” and in their parents, who often “jump through hoops” for supporting churches or individuals, and make them do the same. They also intensely bond with other Mks. They are without their own culture around them and sometimes move frequently . They are referred to a 3^rd culture kids, because they create a there own culture with other Mks, not belonging to their home culture or to the new culture they have adjusted to. We, as parents, probably deal with some of the same issues your parents dealt with... being torn between obligation and duty to family, guilt for “neglecting” our children’s needs, etc...Anyway, I think it’s great that you have a forum for others to talk about the kind of issues you grew up with. That will be very helpful for some and interesting to try to understand for others.

Love in Him,

Susie

Duty before Family?

When we think of Pastor's kids I generally think of children squeaky clean being forced to sit on the front row or rebel kids like Becca and Mary (see comments on "The bond between pastor's kids") who sat in the back and passed notes, but in any case we think of children or our childhood.

But yesterday morning I was having breakfast with two wonderful older couples, one in their 60s and the other late middle-aged. Both of the men are denominational heads. One of Vineyard USA and the other is one of the seven district leaders of the Assemblies of God in the U.S. I live with Bert and Evelyn Waggoner, the Vineyard leader, and the other couple are old friends of theirs, so we were just having a casual breakfast. Somehow we started talking about New York City, and David (AG) said "My first memory of New York City was going on family vacation...but then a lady in the church got sick and we had to go home. I remember thinking as a child, so duty comes before family." We were silent. Bert, David, and I all grew up as pastor's kids.

Let's get a conversation started about this, what do you think is right? But more importantly what has been your experience, for your mom and/or Dad did the  church come first or did your family? How did you feel about it? How do you feel about it now?

SON OF A PREACHER MAN: JAY BAKKER

Have you read this book? It's a good read. You can buy it on Amazon.com. Jay writes, "As it turns out, I wasn't so different from other pastors' kids, who are notoriously rebellious." My friend Robert Briggs who's Dad is also a preacher loaned me it a few years ago. It is an easy read for those who are not too into reading. I should also warn you that parts of it are very intense, I wept at some parts of his story because I could identify with the pain that Jay went through and the back stabbing he witnessed.

Life Under a Mircroscope

So I googled Pastor's Kids and I found this message board. Check out what one person said :

I am a PK kid. I know life is harder being a pastor's son. I relate to a lot of others on this site. It is not fair you know, being a PK. You don't have a choice to sign up to become a pastor's kid; you just are! Everything you "do" or "say"' is under a microscope. You can't be yourself or let loose, because if someone sees you let loose and not being mature, they would tell the whole congregation about it! And I am not talking about letting loose to be dumb or ignorant — just being yourself and having fun. It is almost like being famous and not. I think the hardest part about being a PK is to know your Dad is not a normal father to you. Everyone else is more important to him. We all really need to pray about how we are going to talk to our dads about this.

The Bond Between Pastor's Kids

When I was little I wanted to marry a pastor’s kid.  I couldn't have been more than seven years old at the time. At age 24, I emphatically reject all proposals made by pastor’s to marry their sons for obvious reasons, namely their fathers are the ones making the suggestions. But I think the reason that I had that notion as a child, was that I felt this special bond with other kids who were growing up in the front pew or rather on the first row of "church chairs."  (I think that my little brother used to actually sleep better on the floor under a row of cushioned metal chairs with the worship team playing loud drums and all better than he could sleep at home.)

Basically I am starting this blog for a few reasons, I want a place to process my experiences and that of my peers who grew up as pastor’s kids. I want to talk about it, we grew up in a strange environment and no one can really understand where who we are unless they understand what it was like to be a pastor's kid. 

I'd love to talk to the current pastors kid’s, the ones who are still being nagged to read their bibles and dress decently on Sunday mornings. I'd like to hear them, empathize with you and encourage you. So many teenagers live in minister’s families in the midst of a tug of war between their experiences with Jesus and his faithfulness which they know to be real and their experiences with Christians and the hypocrites which they cannot come to grips with or justify.  I know they are in that place because I still feel the simultaneous warmth and pain, and therefore confusion when I think about church.

Currently I am in seminary I know I must be insane to know what it is like to be a full time minister and actually want to do it, but what can I say? I am a little crazy, it's in my blood. Someday me and my seminary friends are going to be pastors, and we are going to have pastor's kids ourselves. So what can we do to be great parents to p.k.'s? What did your parents really screw up on, and what did they really get right? What would you do differently? This is not a parent bashing place, but I do want the truth. If your life totally sucked, tell me about it. If you want nothing to do with the church, tell us why. If you need to remain anonymous we'll understand, but be honest.

-From the desk of Amy